Prologue: Voices from the Catacombs

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Ok so this is awkward. I'm not used to opening up about myself like this, but I guess theres a first time for everything. Welcome to the crypt! This blog is basically a virtual dump of everything going on in my mind. Lord knows theres too much going on in there. So what inspired me to start this blog?

Well, I'll be blunt.

I haven't been well.

Back in July I had a bit of a meltdown and had to be hospitalized for a few days. I'm still not sure what triggered that manic episode, but I do believe it was something spiritual. Anyway, I haven't been the same since, and I suppose this is my way of coping and reconnecting with myself. I really just want to be happy. I never was happy tbh. I remember being a sullen little runt, and an angry teenager in middle and high school. In recent years that anger faded into a sort of sadness, and I guess that's where I'm at now. I'm not sure what caused these attitudes either. As a kid I could just never make any actual friends. No one ever seemed to like me, despite my best efforts at being nice and trying to be friendly. I just couldn't connect with anyone. I still can't/ Maybe it's from growing up in a crowded, isolated attic IDK.

Point is in trying my best to get through this Hellish lifetime. I have considered offing myself a few times, but the fear of the unknown beyond is what ended up changing my mind. I'm not sure I'm ready to face that eternity. Anyway, if you're still here I thank you for putting up with my mental vomit. All of this was meant to be kept private, but writing in a diary just took too much out of me, and it's not as easy as I remember it being. Typing it out just feels more natural, and I don't seem to experience writers block this way.

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Music used to be an escape for me as well. In recent years though that changed. Ive just lost interest in discovering new bands, as they just don't impress me like they used to. It could be due to a lack of talent among these new groups, it could be a change in myself and interests, idk. I'm not sure if anything anymore. Nothing has been the same since Covid. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels it either. I was passionate at least at one point. That's been snuffed out though. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be.

Really I think I'm only here because of my dad. He's the only person who bothers to check on me and spend time with me. He's also the reason I got into extreme music. He was so excited when I got into the music. I remember discovering Antichrist's Forbidden World on my own, and rushing home to tell my dad all about it. He was surprised to say the least, and revealed that he had booked a show for the very same band a year prior. Afterwards he allowed me full access to the basement, which was his own personal sanctuary and collection of vinyl records. He even showed me how to use the turntable, and told me I was free to listen to any of his records whenever I wanted.

That was tricky to do, since my mom was home most of the time and didn't approve of metal music. I managed to sneak down there a few times though when she went grocery shopping or to pick up my brothers from school.

And that's that. The metal scene was something so hidden and secret back then. It was changed for sure from when my parents were involved in it in the 90s and early 2000s, but it was nothing like it was today.

The hipsters haven't infiltrated the scene as they have today. The bands were still passionate about their music. Most importantky though- Stranger Things didn't exist yet, and most kids were oblivious to this music unless they had a parent involved in it.

I honestly wish we could go back to that time period. When metal wasn't trendy and hip. When hipsters stayed in their stupid coffee shops. When politics was separated from culture. It's no doubt that the world was a better place back then.

It's only going downhill from here. What will metal look like in 10 years? In 5 years?

Part of me doesn't want to know...